Aware of the benefits of performance, sports became an important focus in my life during and after graduating College.  The trio of basketball, softball and flag football filled the time in between work and a life of being newly married.  The skills of speed, good hand-eye coordination, and jumping ability fit well with each of these sports.  My focus, the importance of life grew from intense pursuit of excellence through practice, practice and more practice.  When it came to work, I worked hard and was well-respected by my colleagues. When it came to my marriage, I was absolutely clueless.  I didn’t understand at all what it meant to get to know and understand her. When I got angry at a situation, I would see her cry. What was I to do with her tears?  I did nothing. Sadly to say,once the tears were over, I thought our relationship was good and  life was okay.  I didn’t realize the help I needed from others.  Without realizing the direction I was headed, I pretended that my life was good and that I had a good marriage.  Never once did I ask my wife how she viewed our relationship. For the next 7 years the pretending continued,  coupled with performance and hard work. Episodic outbursts of anger and ignoring how my anger impacted the relationship continued. Unexpectedly one morning the first words spoken to me by her, “I don’t love you any more.”  I attempted to fix the relationship instead of understanding her heart and what brought her to a place of despair.  Clueless about what happened, I prayed that God would change her mind, I knew that God didn’t want us to go through a divorce. After 2 years of appeals and efforts to repair the marriage, our relationship ended in a painful divorce.

Fast forward 3 years.  One morning while journaling something unusual happened. I became very aware of the ways that I had hurt her.  For the first time in my life I cried over the unspoken hurt that she incurred through my anger and displeasure.  A few weeks later I called to talk with my daughter, her mom answered the phone. I asked if she had a moment and she did.  I told her about what I learned while journaling and the hurt I caused.  I told her that I didn’t love her very well.  She responded by saying, “I have something to tell you, I didn’t love you very well at all either.” I was surprised by her kind confession.

This was the first time in my life offering transparency about the brokenness in our relationship.  Openness and honesty about our own failings opens the door for healing in broken relationships. We want to bring hope by acknowledging what we do and say and its impact upon others.  Healthy transparency takes great courage for there is no guarantee that there will be a good response to our confession. Nonetheless take the road of hope through transparent confession. “Confess your sins to one another that you may be healed.” James 5:16